Transformed Thinking #5

I Quit Playing the Self Blame Game

Freeing our selves from useless guilt and self judgement of self blame is true transformed thinking.

No more wasting precious time blaming myself for events which I’ve had no control. Specifically other people’s perceptions of those events.

Evaluate, I like to zealously inspect, where am I placing blame and whether or not it is appropriate. Refuse to take responsibility or blame for someone else’s free will choices. Don’t own what does not belong to you.







Transformed Thinking #4

“Manifesting Through Your Words”

Do you magnify your negative emotional state of well-being by talking about it repetitively with others?

Every time you repeat a story that involves a negative emotion it reinforces the experience that your body has from it.

Catch yourself when you are talking with others, are you seeking for agreement/validation about how bad a situation is? Or are you truly trying to find a resolution for the experience?

Be mindful of what you are manifesting by reliving the negative.

What kind of seeds are you planting if the narrative is negative?

Transformed Thinking #3

Accept the Positive

A healthy mind hears both good and bad and focuses on the positive.

Sure, negative things happen to everyone. It doesn’t mean that we have to except all circumstances as negative. Especially watch how you enforce compliments and positivity by responding in a negative
way.

It’s always easy to respond to a compliment with a negative. For example, someone gives you a compliment on your outfit. You respond with: “oh this old thing”. Next time just say “thank you!”








Transformed Thinking #2

Letting Go!

What if we got real honest with ourselves and practiced releasing things we could never control to begin with?

What if we released our need to know what happens next?

Freedom is not easy when all we know is busy and bondage, but what if we shattered the patterns and set ourselves free from our thinking?

Release what we thought we needed, loosen our grips, unlearn what’s not serving us, let go of the old and focus on a new way of thinking and living.

Let’s create a new balance in this new season.

Transformed Thinking #1

There is Gray!

Not everything needs to be perfect. Its beautiful here in this space where there are shades of gray. We can choose to see the world in gray. My father challenged to me 13 years ago and said, “Nicole, look for the gray.”

A healthy person has the ability to see the full spectrum of color and variations. If the rigidity of your thinking is at the high-end of perfectionism, perhaps you are missing out on a large portion of beauty in this life.

Much of life takes place in the gray areas. Most experiences in life are not all good or all bad, but somewhere in between.

Build a practice of seeing different shades and see how your thoughts become transformed.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #10

Personalization and Blame

Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control.  When a women received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child.  When another women’s husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I was a better cook, he wouldn’t beat me.”  Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. 

Some people do the opposite.  They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is terrible is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.”  Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap.  It’s like the game of hot potato – no one wants to get stuck with it.

Blame can be a way to escape.  Blame will get you out of taking responsibility.  The problem is it gives the keys to your freedom to who ever you blame for the situation and now you are enslaved to the very thing that you were trying to escape from.  Now you’re enslaved to bitterness, because you escaped through blame. Hmm…bitterness is a whole other discussion.

Identifying "‘Stinkin Thinkin’" #9

Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking.  Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.”  You may also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or  “a jerk.”  Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do.  Human beings exist, but “fools”, “losers” and “jerks” do not.  These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others.  When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell  yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.”  Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior.  You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

In this uncertain time, let’s focus on constructive communication.

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #8

“Should” Statements

“Must,” “ought” and “have tos” are similar offenders.  “Should” statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. 

“Should” statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger, frustration and resentment. 

Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn't, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything.  “I shouldn’t eat that birthday cake in a bikini on Waikiki Beach.”

This usually doesn’t work because all these should and must do is make you feel rebellious and give you the urge to do the opposite.

As you can see in the photo, I ate my amazing birthday cake in my bikini on Waikiki Beach celebrating my 53rd birthday!

Identifying "'Stinkin Thinkin'" #7

Emotional Reasoning

Assuming that negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really area.  This is what emotional reasoning sounds like in or story… “I feel terrified about going on airplanes.  It must be very dangerous to fly.”  Or, “I feel guilty.  I must be a bad person.”  Or, “I feel angry.  This proves that I’m being treated unfairly.”  Or, “I feel so inferior.  This means I’m not smart enough.”  Or, “I feel hopeless.  I must really be hopeless.”

How can we turn this narrative around so these stories support us?

Let’s have a conversation.